Thursday, December 30, 2010

Skunk Thinking

“To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose one self.” - Soren Kierkegaard

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When I first announced taking my writing seriously, I was told certain anonymity would be required for professionalism. On some things I might agree, on others I feel the human equivalent of a writer can’t be ignored and makes them more assessable - real. In all things we need a certain level of reality to slip in from time to time. This post is one example.

The bottom of the bed bounces up and down; a little earthquake announcing a restless pup is convinced I’m long past good morning, and in need of a nudge. With a playful smirk, peeking with one eye open, she knows, I know she’s up to mischief. Pretending to yawn, my arm stretches overhead pulling the blankets over my face. Did she take the bait? My giggles warm a breathy patch of sheet layered over nose and mouth.

Within moments I’m on a trampoline, jostled, “Oomph!” A four legged ball of fur launches toward me. Her cold nose snuffs the sheet above my eyes. Unable to suffuse my laughter any longer I burst from the covers and tackle her in a playful hug. She happily settles beside me with her head lain over my stomach. I let the quiet settle around us for a few moments. How she recognizes what I need dumfounds me, but she does. Pup and woman alike, we master stillness.

“January is almost here,” I whisper.

Pickles perks up her head, ready to listen, waiting, but my melancholy silences any more complaints.

You’re happier when you write,” his words echo from memory. Words are hard to come by right now, I argue silently. I can’t do this, just leave me be. The well wasn’t empty by a long shot; words hang in the balance, ready and willing to pour like a fount from me. My courage had temporarily plugged up the flow, like a stopper in a kitchen sink. Stupid skunk, over thinking every single nuance, worried to the point of defining me by…January…

An Anniversary creeps forward, closer and closer, day by day. My eyes squeeze shut tight as if that could slow time.

“You’ve been deaf for six years; it’s a date nothing more, nothing less…” With determination I throw back the covers and stomp around the bed. Pickles stands in the middle of the bed, head cocked, unsure what to do. I glance into those deep brown eyes and shrug my shoulders – lost myself.

“Where is the courage I possessed back then?” I ask burying my face into the scruff of fur at her neck. Haven’t I proven I’m more than this yet?” A tear cascades over sleep chaffed skin and I’m transported back to my former self, who wanted to give up because communication seemed near impossible. Fiercely wiping my pajama sleeve across my eyes, I scold, “Knock it off, coward. This is nothing, nothing compared to yesterday.” One sum – that’s the equivalent you’re allowed for your deafness, I vowed silently.

Whatever I fear will never be the sum of who I am as a person. Of course I’m afraid of succeeding or not, we all are in one form or another. You only fail or can rightfully be accused of cowardice if you DON’T try. I’m a writer and as long as the words flow, I’m going to continue to challenge my fears. This is small compared to what I’ve already accomplished. 2011 will be the writers year, my year.

My wish for you in the coming year: Conquer your fears – try, it’s all anyone can ask. You’ll find courage when you least expect it. It stares back at me, every day from a pair of deep brown eyes. See yourself through another’s eyes, you will be amazed.

Happy New Year!




Picture from here

33 comments:

  1. Courage where you least expect it......absolutely true
    Linda

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  2. Anniversaries...not always the occasion to rejoice. Hard stuff...anniversaries. 2011. A writers year. I like it. Pronounce yourself Ingido...for you are mighty!

    Much love
    annie

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  3. Never doubt yourself, you have conquered much to get to this point, the future is bright, and woe to any that get in your way :o) Happy New Year friend.

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  4. I hear growth.
    All of us go through
    stages as creative souls.
    I love your written words
    and expressions,Indigo.
    And I have missed you so !!!
    xo

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  5. By the way...I LOVE how you made it snow here!

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  6. I really like the Kiekegaard quote... that is a philosophy that I can wrap my hand around and squeeze!

    You have prolly grown in way that you never would have without things happening the way that they did. Obstacles and challenges measure not our limits but our desires. Everything a person could want is out ther for them... just have to want it bad enough!!

    Take it easy, greasy! Got a long way to slide!!

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  7. "You’re happier when you write,” -- that goes for me, too. Onward & upward in 2011.

    PS: Love the Kiekegaard quote, too (I'm a quote addict).

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  8. I'm amazed at both your courage and your writing. May the New Year bring you lots of happiness and satisfaction. (((HUGS)))

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  9. you are a writer. this piece proves it once again. lots of love from me to you, and may 2011 bring you lots of peace and happiness. (and flowing words, of course) xxx

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  10. Indigo,
    Wishing you and your family peace, love and happiness in the New Year!
    Sheri

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  11. You have the most beautiful soul Indigo. Your strength and honesty amaze me. Thanks for shining a little light and courage my way. I wish you all the best in 2011! Enjoy it :)

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  12. I hope 2011 is your best year yet!!
    xx
    Russ

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  13. You are such an amazingly strong woman & such a skilled writer. The way you put things into words make it so real for me. It's almost as though I'm in the midst of the story! Never doubt yourself or your ability to write!

    happy New Year my friend!

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  14. sometimes being anonymous takes away from the message- when we write from our souls/ hearts, we share the the things about us that make us/ break us and those common threads are often the words that others draw their strengths from when they are having a difficult journey. being human lets other people know we have been places they might be stuck in, and that there is hope to get unstuck-

    best to you all in the new year,

    xxalainaxx

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  15. Many blessings be yours dear Indigo throughout 2011. Keep the courage even on the down day's there is always a tomorrow..
    Much Love Sybil xx

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  16. This is awesome my friend- you always manage to cheer me up & make me remember why i do this whole thing.


    happy new year!
    xo

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  17. Happy New Year's Indigo and what I think is you're a writer already with a following of readers that grows and grows, I have no doubt that it will be in print and reach a even larger audience. Give Pickles a hug from Zoey and me.

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  18. Happy New Year, Indigo! Here's to a wonderful 2011. You've let the universe know your intentions, so I have no doubt you will succeed.

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  19. May the year 2011 be the year you've been waiting for.

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  20. happy new year, my friend...
    wishing you the best and the growth and stuff that makes us better one year from now.
    xoxo

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  21. Oh, Indigo, what a perfectly meaningful post to open yourself to the new year while turning our sights on the right direction also.

    You are one of the bravest women I know and I admire you like crazy. Happy New Year!

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  22. Loved this and loved your prompt for trying to conquer fear. I'm going for it in 2011.

    Happy New Year, Indigo. Thank you for friendship, support and words in 2010, it's meant the world to me.

    ~ Jen

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  23. do i need to tell you this? go for it.whatever IT maybe.i wish you nothing but the very best as always indigo. proud to call you friend. tc love mort xxx

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  24. It hooked me too, you're happier when you write. I feel like I am nothing when I don't, even if it's no good. I just have to exercise those muscles, remind myself that I am still here, that what I feel matters, even if only in a small way.

    Happy New Year to you. Now, get your slippers, get out of bed. It's time to write.

    xo!
    erin

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  25. I hope 2011 is everything you want it to be, and more. I love your wish - my wish is that right back at you - 'today is beautiful, and tomorrow will be even better'. :)

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  26. Yeah, I understand... I feel it when I look into the eyes of my much better half... She amazes and reaffirms that life is good and worth living...

    Happy 2011 Indigo,
    God Bless,
    Mik

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  27. It takes so much more courage to be honest than anonymous. To put name/face/heart behind the words means taking responsibility for them -- and for the reactions those words engender.

    Anniversaries are always over-laden, good and bad. They are the touchstones of a year, the taking-stock times.

    Thank you for an inspirational post for the new year. A writer's year indeed. Blessings, and peace...

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  28. I'm determined to make 2011 the year I kick fear's ass right out onto my porch. It can sit there and beg for all I care but I'm done feeding it the nice food off the nice china.

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  29. Conquering fears is so, so hard. But so, so necessary. May you have an amazing 2011!

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  30. Love the new look on your blog! thanks 4 the reminder to face my fears. it's an ongoing journey. hope your New Year is as Grand as you!:-)

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  31. I await your writer's year in anticipation!
    Thank you Indigo.

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  32. That is such an amazing post. Makes me want to revise my outlook on this writing thing. It really is a complex beast, isn't it? But we have been moving forward since we typed our first word, right? Since we first outed ourselves as writers. Since we first submitted. We are already ahead of our game.
    All the best for your 2011!

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Thank you for giving my silence a voice, my muse your words, and taking the time to discover my prose.