Friday, December 7, 2012

Missing Chunks of my Heart


"It’s a fearful thing to love what death can touch." ~ Anonymous

I found myself stuck on a single word today, how – how do I write this letter, how can I possibly say goodbye, or find the strength to tender words which encompass all I’m feeling right now. Empty out my soul? Cut out my heart and present it with all the bloody good it does without you? You never taught me ‘how’ to do this part sweet friend. I’m on my own here.

The fact is; my therapist Charlie (remember meeting him – he loved you) asked me to write this letter six months ago, a month after I lost you. I couldn’t then, maybe not even now. In one week, you would have been eight years old. I still curse the fact you were so freaking young when you left me. Did you have any idea; you were the one who saved me? Not the other way around. This bottomless silence scared the hell out of me. I didn’t have the courage or will to live with the quiet dark of my deafness. Life had nothing worthy to bear that yoke; my shoulders weren’t strong enough to carry the weight the stillness held.

I’m almost ashamed to say, you were the last straw I grasped at attempting to hold on to something. Why? Oh dear sweet merciful friend, you were so much more than a grasped straw. You were the winged raven who flew to my side and wouldn’t let me give up. Do you remember the woodpecker? That was the first time you taught me to hear with my eyes as I watched you sit so still and tranquil, you stared unmoving up toward that magnificent red headed woodpecker' waiting, for me to see what I had been missing. There would be so many more examples over the next few years, so many…

No sweet friend, I’m still not writing. Losing you stole the very heart out of any words and life I had left. Time hasn’t made this any easier my muse. The pain’s so raw and I’m staring up into a listless gray sky missing you, remembering this was and will always be your month; the month you first came to my door, the month of your birthday, and of course Christmas. I still remember watching you lie beneath a sea of bright lights staring up through the branches of the tree. December will never be the same sweet sorrow of mine.

Bjarki, your lovable pup is still a bull in a China shop. He’s gotten so huge. He has another companion now, Yazhi. You would love Yazhi, she reminds me so much of you, mischievous as all get out. They’re doing their best to help me heal and I sometimes feel your gentle presence in the background watching over us all. I’m okay Pickles. You taught me how to do the hard stuff. Wait for me, I will find you again someday – I promise. Happy Birthday Pickles! I love you sweetheart…

"Brighter Side"
By OPM

Sometimes
I forget that you're not here
Can't believe it's been a year
Since you flew away
And I never got to say goodbye
Good times
Hangin' out til the break of dawn
Listening to Bob
And singin along
Every little thing it's gonna be
It's gonna be all right...

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shining and the water's blue
I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
You'll always be a part of me
Like the moon is to the sea

They say you don't know
A good thing till it's gone
But I got to say they're wrong
I knew you were a good friend
A good friend all along
I wish the world wouldn't be so cold
As to take such a beautiful soul
But despite it all I know we gotta carry on

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shinin and the water's blue

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
And you'll always be a part of me
Like the moon is to the sea

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side..
Always be a part of me...

If I could rewind time
Then I'd like to let you know
Just one thing before your time go
That every moment you were living was a blessing to me
And I saw inside of you things that others couldn't see
Now people put you down for the way that you lived
But those people never knew you the way that I did
Don't be ashamed of who you were of how you died
I know you just wanted to find the brighter side...

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shining and the water's blue
I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
And you'll always be a part of me...

I know that you're gonna fly
I know that you're gonna fly

oie_IMG_0325_2

19 comments:

  1. They could be twins....Pickles and my Tootsie. Tootsie ran away during July this year. She does so every year...manages to chew her way under, though or over a fence whenever lighting, thunder, or fireworks struck. (She only had a few teeth left after 10 years of fence chewing.) But this time she did not return, perhaps because I also did not return. I don't know. We choose to think someone kind took her in. At least you know where Pickles is, and where in the everlast, to find him :)

    Muse apprentices. How cute! (Hugs) friend, and Happy B-day PICKLES!

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  2. Happy Birthday Pickles!!! I know you're near Indigo all the time. you're really only a thought away and so close in her heart. may this month be full of nothing but warm fuzzy memories..and I know Pickles is shining down on you...beautiful tribute!!! I can feel the ache in your heart, but I just 'know' she's right next to you..(((((hugz!))))

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  3. When I had my accident at work and almost died roughly seven years ago, my only thought was "Guinness is waiting for me to come home and I'm never coming home!", and I pictured him always thinking that I'd be home any minute until the end of his life - and luckily I didn't die, and got five more years with him...I still think about him every day, and it took about six months after that for me to start working on the watercolor of him which took a year to finish due to taking breaks from crying from missing him.

    I'm so sorry you're missing your Pickles...

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  4. So sad to lose a pup like him, just know I am giving you virtual hugs...

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  5. we measure change in life by those we've left behind or those who have gone before us.

    thinking of you.

    xxalainaxx

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  6. Pickles was one of those special souls. Glad you were able to write this. Sending you warm thoughts and best wishes. *hugs*

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  7. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Pickles. It's wonderful to visit your blog again, though. Your writing still sings.

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  8. My heart goes out to you. I hoped writing the poem helped you "release" some of that pain. I lost my cat "Lizzie" just two weeks ago. I'm devastated! She was 11 years old and I had her since she was 6 weeks old. I still feel her presence and I'm still in the pattern of starting to go feed her at the regular time and other things, and then I stop and realize she is gone and I cry and it hurts so deep in my heart.

    Thank you for this post. I understand and hope for your loss to be less heartbreaking and more of the wonderful memories you have of Pickles as time goes on. Maybe Pickles is on what a call "souls journey"..

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  9. You belonged to Pickles, Pickles belonged to you, unequivocably. Anything I can think of to write right now is woefully inadequate.

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  10. You made all of us love Pickles, and we grieve with you. {{hugs}}

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  11. A Special Happy Birthday to Pickles and Gentle Hugs to you...

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  12. I think grief is such an important emotion to be able to express, and there aren't many places in this culture that embrace that or make a safe space for it. We tend to want to move on quickly from grief, or, if our friends are grieving, to try to fix it or replace it or distract from it. But I think it's good to just sit in it, as long as need be, for without grief, there is no healing, just a dull, empty ache.

    As Mary Oliver once wrote:

    To live in this world

    you must be able
    to do three things:
    to love what is mortal;
    to hold it

    against your bones knowing
    your own life depends on it;
    and, when the time comes to let it go,
    to let it go.

    Hugs and love and I hope you are doing okay.

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  13. That's a tough letter to write, but once written will serve as a source of comfort in ways you never thought of... including to others... God Bless You Indigo...

    Mik

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  14. Sooo sorry for your loss. R.I.P. dear Pickles.

    {{hugs}}

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  15. Dear Indigo,

    You taught me to love your dear Pickles by including her often in your entries. I took it for granted that she would be your companion for a long time. She was a beautiful dog whose demeanor mirrored your own. Loving, caring sensitive and thoughtful. A guiding light to others.
    I was so sorry to find out that she had gone but I KNOW she is still around you and always will be.
    Be at peace.
    Jeanie

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  16. Indigo, I understand this very well; a love without condition. I am positive your pickles will be waiting for you in the life after life. I know this because my Stella and my Rosie will he waiting for me.

    Love
    kj

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  17. Indigo, I haven't drawn or painted since I did the painting of Guinness soon after he died- I just lost the drive to do so and haven't gotten it back yet.

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Thank you for giving my silence a voice, my muse your words, and taking the time to discover my prose.