Friday, December 7, 2012

Missing Chunks of my Heart


"It’s a fearful thing to love what death can touch." ~ Anonymous

I found myself stuck on a single word today, how – how do I write this letter, how can I possibly say goodbye, or find the strength to tender words which encompass all I’m feeling right now. Empty out my soul? Cut out my heart and present it with all the bloody good it does without you? You never taught me ‘how’ to do this part sweet friend. I’m on my own here.

The fact is; my therapist Charlie (remember meeting him – he loved you) asked me to write this letter six months ago, a month after I lost you. I couldn’t then, maybe not even now. In one week, you would have been eight years old. I still curse the fact you were so freaking young when you left me. Did you have any idea; you were the one who saved me? Not the other way around. This bottomless silence scared the hell out of me. I didn’t have the courage or will to live with the quiet dark of my deafness. Life had nothing worthy to bear that yoke; my shoulders weren’t strong enough to carry the weight the stillness held.

I’m almost ashamed to say, you were the last straw I grasped at attempting to hold on to something. Why? Oh dear sweet merciful friend, you were so much more than a grasped straw. You were the winged raven who flew to my side and wouldn’t let me give up. Do you remember the woodpecker? That was the first time you taught me to hear with my eyes as I watched you sit so still and tranquil, you stared unmoving up toward that magnificent red headed woodpecker' waiting, for me to see what I had been missing. There would be so many more examples over the next few years, so many…

No sweet friend, I’m still not writing. Losing you stole the very heart out of any words and life I had left. Time hasn’t made this any easier my muse. The pain’s so raw and I’m staring up into a listless gray sky missing you, remembering this was and will always be your month; the month you first came to my door, the month of your birthday, and of course Christmas. I still remember watching you lie beneath a sea of bright lights staring up through the branches of the tree. December will never be the same sweet sorrow of mine.

Bjarki, your lovable pup is still a bull in a China shop. He’s gotten so huge. He has another companion now, Yazhi. You would love Yazhi, she reminds me so much of you, mischievous as all get out. They’re doing their best to help me heal and I sometimes feel your gentle presence in the background watching over us all. I’m okay Pickles. You taught me how to do the hard stuff. Wait for me, I will find you again someday – I promise. Happy Birthday Pickles! I love you sweetheart…

"Brighter Side"
By OPM

Sometimes
I forget that you're not here
Can't believe it's been a year
Since you flew away
And I never got to say goodbye
Good times
Hangin' out til the break of dawn
Listening to Bob
And singin along
Every little thing it's gonna be
It's gonna be all right...

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shining and the water's blue
I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
You'll always be a part of me
Like the moon is to the sea

They say you don't know
A good thing till it's gone
But I got to say they're wrong
I knew you were a good friend
A good friend all along
I wish the world wouldn't be so cold
As to take such a beautiful soul
But despite it all I know we gotta carry on

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shinin and the water's blue

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
And you'll always be a part of me
Like the moon is to the sea

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side..
Always be a part of me...

If I could rewind time
Then I'd like to let you know
Just one thing before your time go
That every moment you were living was a blessing to me
And I saw inside of you things that others couldn't see
Now people put you down for the way that you lived
But those people never knew you the way that I did
Don't be ashamed of who you were of how you died
I know you just wanted to find the brighter side...

I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
And one day I'm gonna be there too
Where the sun is shining and the water's blue
I know that you're gonna fly
Somewhere brighter on the other side
I know you're somewhere where you're finally free
And you'll always be a part of me...

I know that you're gonna fly
I know that you're gonna fly

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