Monday, November 2, 2015

The Wrecking Ball

“The only wishes that will ever change you are the kind that may, at any moment, eat you whole.”
- Janette Rallison, My Fair Godmother

Time weaves her web and ensnares us in impossibilities and what ifs, while all the while she chats with destiny and has already foreseen our fate.  I’ve always thought that I alone held the stern which propelled my existence through the vast ocean of life. Alas, fate handed me a card and the hand didn’t play out the way I envisioned. I raged like a storm at sea, until the ship lost its mooring. Adrift, I learned to adapt, and finally found a safe port to lower my anchor.

That is until fate dealt another card.

For the longest time I was led to believe the damage to my ears would never allow me to be a candidate for the Cochlear Implant.  Ten years later, I find there is hope. And I did dare to hope, to wonder, to speculate and grasp at possibilities I’d never before entertained. I remembered sounds - music, laughter, voices, the wind through the trees, and the rain, all of the things I couldn’t wait to hear again. All the while aware there were no guarantees.

Then comes along karma, karma bitch slaps fate every single freaking time. Karma used my web as her personal trampoline. My ship didn't sink obviously; I’m stuck in a molten cesspool of seaweed, kelp, and scrum – a veritable net of algae. There are way too many analogies for life, we humans are often left adrift to brave our own storms or caught between a rock and a hard place.

The short end of the stick is, I dared to hope. I found a video online which allows hearing people to hear how speech and music sound to a deaf person with cochlear implants and had someone listen to the video for me. I pretty much figured out how bad it must have sounded when I saw tears run down his face. He knows me all too well…I’ll leave the link at the end of this post and you can decide for yourself.

In the end I am the master of my fate. I couldn’t control the circumstances which robbed me of my hearing, but I can choose how I live with the silence. I still remember sounds; some things are starting to fade like all memories do, but what remains soars within me. I can almost tell you what someone sounds like simply by watching how they talk. I heard so much music in the years I did hear, a simple description of the beat, rhythm, along with lyrics, can bring me back in time and I know what you’re listening to. There are too many surface memories still locked within my sub consciousness, such beautiful renderings, why would I want to relearn to hear in a robotic sonance?

Maybe in five or ten years when the memories are more distant, who knows? *shrugs* Someday the technology may find a way to include tonal sound in cochlear implants. Perhaps then, I’ll jump ship and wade through to the shore. In the meantime, I’ve already survived quite a few years weathering these silent storms in uncharted territory.

 Bernard Beckett once said, “Human spirit is the ability to face the uncertainty of the future with curiosity and optimism. It is the belief that problems can be solved, differences resolved. It is a type of confidence. And it is fragile. It can be blackened by fear and superstition.”

Yes, we’re (I’m) fragile, and sometimes hope floats. Me? *Thumbs up*. A few days of raw nerves and a small bit of anguish…I still believe my world is hauntingly beautiful the way it is. I communicate just fine with not hearing and if you give me a chance you might discover, I’m worth the extra energy. The world is only as complicated as we make it.

The link is included below. In the end, the choice still remains mine.

*I do realize for someone who has never heard before, the cochlear implant would be a blessing. I consider myself fortunate for the the time I did hear. - Indigo


  1. We (the hearing), can't help but respect a persons decision to accept or reject the Cochear implant. Unless you walk in anothers shoes, one doesn't have the right to pass judgement. Thank you for sharing this with us Indigo. I respect your decision!

  2. If that noise is what you would hear you'd have to learn to listen in a completely different way--naw--i wouldn't either. I have an implant for pain and now after 7 years i keep the batteries out of the control device because it triggers more excruciating pain than it ever resolved. And after 4 attempts to correct the placement and leads and other shit it is no longer removable or functioning, as well if I ever need a brain MRI no can have.

    You as you said have adapted to your situation and how much more is there, I lost an eye in a accident 35 years ago--ain't stopped me from doing anything yet except fly an airplane which I never wanted to do anyway.

  3. hi indigo, you wrote this seven months ago and here i am now reading it. i appreciate your sharing and educating on this. i don't think i would choose the implants if i that is the kind of sound i would always hear. to me, the music was harder to accept than the voice. i could see how someone would adjust to the voice of their child, their partner. i hope you are well. i always like how you write.


Thank you for giving my silence a voice, my muse your words, and taking the time to discover my prose.